its funny how things happen.  people like to hold on to their past.  i often do.  this time around i decide to let go.  i think when u linger in the past u get no where.  its obviously not working. maybe at one point in time, *in the past* it did.  right now it isn’t working.  i don’t know if it would ever work in the future. but i’m sure that i am not the same person i was before.  and i will only continue to grow.  people say that things might work out in the future.  but i think the whole time we were forcing things to happen.  our paths only crossed those many times.  and if you come to think about it all the additional times happened because we purposely made it happen. we had to go out of our way.  we had to make sacrifices.  you’re right, it shouldn’t be that difficult.

i’m happy the way things are.

我只想每一朝早同你食早餐

我想要的就係咁簡單。。

So…recently i have this infatuation with lam fung… the man in the picture above… why you may ask?  i have no clue… i think its cuz when he stares out of the tv and he squints his eyes…. damn he’s so hot….  so i’m going to his concert on Tuesday… and i’m SO EXCITED!  too bad i missed the live getting wet scenarios from last year’s concert!!!!  its unlikely he’d get wet again right?  darn!!!!!

everyone thinks i’m crazy cuz i like him… … apparently my friends think he’s not so cool… ah well!  i feel like a little kid staring at candy…. yummy!!! *drooling*

Anyways! Work is fun! Learning so much!

- its another dark thought!

He’s creepy! She us too!

its definitely not easy facing your fears, or work or mistakes that you’ve made.  its not easy facing let downs or disappointments.  its never easy hearing criticisms or losing a project to your colleague.  its just not easy.  its not easy to face rejections.

i think everyone is afraid of rejection.  those who don’t fear it is only because they’ve never been rejected before.  i wonder how that works? i think the fear of rejection stems from the feeling that you get after you get rejected… its not a good feeling!  Everyone likes the feeling of being accepted, being liked. The thing is to not let that bad feeling get to you.  You have to brush it off and keep walking.

there are many things that i am afraid of doing.  i remember i was afraid of answering a question in class when i was young.  i didn’t get rid of that fear until after i started working and i had to talk to strangers.  i think u have to have a sense of humor.  you have to be able to laugh at yourself and when others see that u’re not embarrassed by making a mistake or by saying something wrong then people don’t laugh at you, they laugh with you.  i think that’s the difference.  When people are laughing with u and NOT at you, but you have to make that happen.  you have to be able to brush it off.  It took me a good 26 or 27 years of my life to master that i think and i’m still not so good at it!

now that i’m nearing the end of a chapter in my life… i look back and i see that i’ve grown… the past 3 years have taught my a lot.  It taught me to work hard, it taught me that i can’t just sit around and wait for things to happen… i know now that i have to work for everything that i want, and  i know that i have to face my fears, and i know now that i have to just give it all that i got no matter what happens because i really have nothing to lose!

I believe that horoscope does indeed tell your personality.  Some traits are definitely imprinted on certain people due to their certain signs.  however, i think the person then molds themselves throughout their lives from their experiences.

I on the other hand believe in my zodiac… the Chinese beliefs of how fate is destined due to your past life and the choices u make or the choices that are available for you to make are due to the good or bad deeds that you’ve committed in your past life.  I believe that or is horrified by those fortune tellers that tell you every year how different your luck is due to some start that is sitting in your life zone.

it makes u think… er… if i don’t listen will i run into all those trouble that you’ve mentioned?

so during Cny this year i walked by those jade shops that sold the little pieces of jade made into the different animals of the zodiac.  I walked in to take a look and wondered if it would be needed?

i believe that only a person that believes that they need luck, or is feeling kinda lost or has nothing to emotionally depend on… would buy it in hopes that it would protect them, or change their luck or just make them feel better.

after standing there and listening to the sales lady go on and on.. i felt like i had to buy it from her.  not cuz i believed it, but i felt bad that i made her stand there for so long telling me everything and i had no intention of purchasing anything.  so i bought a necklace.

so i brought it home and my mom saw it lying on my bed.  she said.. “oh you’re going to wear that right?!”   i heard and thought about it.. and said.. “ah .. might as well.. ” so i put it on.. and for some reason i feel this “maybe i’ll be safe” feeling….

recently, i lost that piece of jade… it bothered me.  Cuz i felt like that since i bought it, things have gone well for me.  I was afraid that things would make a negative change… it bugged me that i couldn’t find it and it bugged me that I didn’t have it.  I had a really bad day on Saturday…and it bugged me that maybe it had an affect!

Well, to end the story… i went out today and bought myself a new piece of jade.  And i put it on.. and i was happy again!  i don’t know if its going to protect me, or if its bringing me luck.  I think what its doing is that its just giving me a peace… that if anything bad does go wrong… i tried to prevent it?

i don’t know.. just a thought

I made a decision once, once to leave something that till this day I still hold dearly to my heart.  i was blinded by the things that were in front of me and never stopped to think that “if i was so happy then, even when i claimed i wasn’t… why wouldn’t i be happy when he then awoke from his daze and was willing to give me everything in the world?” ….

its obviously too late to dwell on it now.. but lately i’ve been having nightmares…. this person walks into my dreams and talks to me.  he repeats his words and makes me remember those feelings that i once had.  those feeling that i locked so deep down in to my heart and threw away the key.  this person made such an impression that I think till the day i die… i would carry those feelings with me. i don’t know if the impression was made because it hurt so much to be with him then, or the fact that i made the decision to not return to him when he came back?

now so many years later i sit here writing this blog.. and trying to put a foot-stop at the end of it all… its like i’m going through the depression of the break up now…. i want you out of my heart… i don’t any pieces of you left behind… you are no longer mine and i have to move on without having to compare every single person that comes after you……

i thought i locked u away …. and threw away the key… but it turns out that i locked you away thinking that i could hold you forever…. and now its turning back to haunt me.

Pope overlooked child abuse, files show

Pontiff among Vatican officials who failed to act after priest admitted molesting boys

Top Vatican officials – including the future Pope Benedict – did not defrock a priest who molested up to 200 deaf boys, according to files unearthed as part of a lawsuit.

The internal correspondence from bishops in Wisconsin directly to then cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the current pontiff, shows that while church officials tussled over whether the priest should be dismissed, their highest priority was protecting the church from scandal.

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The documents emerged with the Pope facing other accusations that he and direct subordinates often did not alert civilian authorities or discipline priests involved in sexual abuse when he served as an archbishop in Germany and as the Vatican’s chief doctrinal enforcer.

In the wake of the latest revelations, four American victims of clergy sexual abuse say they were detained and questioned by Italian police in Rome after protesting at the Vatican.

Barbara Blaine, one of the victims, said officers told them a judge would decide if they would be charged. The four leaders of the US-based Survivor Network of those Abused by Priests demanded that the Pope open up files on paedophile Catholic clerics and immediately defrock all “predator priests”.

The Wisconsin case involved the Reverend Lawrence Murphy, who worked at a renowned school for deaf children from 1950 to 1974. It is one of thousands of cases forwarded over decades by bishops to the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, the Vatican office that decides whether accused priests should be defrocked, led from 1981 to 2005 by Ratzinger.

In 1996, Ratzinger failed to respond to two letters about the case from Rembert Weakland, Milwaukee’s archbishop at the time.

After eight months, the second in command at the doctrinal office – then cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, now the Vatican’s secretary of state – instructed the Wisconsin bishops to begin a secret canonical trial that could lead to Murphy’s dismissal. But he halted the process after Murphy wrote to Ratzinger protesting that he had repented and was in poor health.

“I simply want to live out the time that I have left in the dignity of my priesthood,” Murphy wrote to Ratzinger. “I ask your kind assistance in this matter.” The files contain no response from Ratzinger.

The New York Times obtained the documents, which the church fought to keep secret, from Jeff Anderson and Mike Finnegan, lawyers for five men who have brought four lawsuits against the Archdiocese of Milwaukee. The documents include letters between bishops and the Vatican, victims’ affidavits, the notes of an expert on sexual disorders who interviewed Murphy and minutes of a final meeting at the Vatican.

Murphy not only was never tried or disciplined by the church’s justice system, but also got a pass from the police and prosecutors, according to the documents and interviews with victims. Three successive archbishops in Wisconsin were told of Murphy sexually abusing children, the documents show, but never reported it to criminal or civil authorities.

Instead of being disciplined, Milwaukee’s then archbishop William Cousins moved Murphy to the Diocese of Superior in northern Wisconsin in 1974, where he spent his last 24 years working freely with children. He died in 1998, still a priest.

Even as the Pope in a recent letter to Irish Catholics emphasised the need to co-operate with civil justice in abuse cases, the correspondence seems to indicate that the Vatican’s insistence on secrecy has often impeded such co-operation.

The Vatican spokesman, the Reverend Federico Lombardi, provided a statement saying Murphy had violated “particularly vulnerable” children and the law, and that it was a “tragic case”. But he said the Vatican was not forwarded the case until 1996, years after civil officials had investigated.

Lombardi said that in the late 1990s, the morals watchdog suggested the Milwaukee archbishop take action by “restricting Father Murphy’s public ministry and requiring that Father Murphy accept full responsibility for the gravity of his acts”.

It was delegated to the archbishop “in light of the facts that Father Murphy was elderly and in very poor health, and that he was living in seclusion and no allegations of abuse had been reported in over 20 years”.

He did not address why church officials never reported the abuse to civil authorities in this case. As to why Murphy was never defrocked, he said: “The code of Canon Law does not envision automatic penalties.”

To many, Murphy appeared to be a saint: a hearing man gifted at communicating in American sign language and an effective fund-raiser for deaf causes. He started as a teacher at St John’s School for the Deaf in St Francis in 1950 and was promoted to run it in 1963, even though students disclosed to church officials in the 1950s that he was a predator.

Arthur Budzinski said he was first molested when he went to Murphy for confession when he was about 12, in 1960. “He was so friendly, and so nice and understanding. I knew he was wrong, but I couldn’t really believe it.” Budzinski and other deaf former students spent more than 30 years trying to raise the alarm.

In 1993, with complaints about Murphy landing on his desk, Weakland hired a social worker to evaluate him. After four days, the social worker said Murphy admitted his acts, had probably molested about 200 boys and felt no remorse.

Additional reporting by Associated Press, Agence France-Presse